there's obviously 101 things i wish i could've typed while i was in Nepal. nonetheless, i hope this post sums everything up :). there's no other trip that can be comparable. not only because of the place and the things we did, but because everything seemed to have happened so perfectly well planned. under God, the trip felt perfect and irreplaceable.



it's truly amazing how things have gone on for the couple of days. and it's crazy how i've not done anything but to rest and shit and upload photos just about Nepal the whole day (haha). yes i do intend for this post to be memorable and different.



the first day



i didn't know how to react. and i was quite anxious about how things would go. luckily, esther and junyi were my roomates (and i totally love them now). haha. the plane ride from Bangkok to Nepal with Tonghann and Cephas was TRULY RETARDED AND FUNNY. we were playing with Frank (my new bulldog softtoy from Ikea) and the videos we made are totally hilarous! hahahaha. anyways, the ride up to Nagarkot wasnt helpful because it was dusty and bumpy. but the resort was so great and so romeo-and-juliet kind everything felt worth the while. the dining, fireplace, rooms and atmosphere was so scenic and warm. couldn't have asked for a better place to stay in. the night was cold, but we managed to pull through although our room didn't have a heater. had a good night's rest.



second day
i vaguely remembered how difficult and tiring it was just to trek down and up the hill on the second day.(this includes the lunch the following day we had in the Principal's house at the village. food was awesomeeee) we were quite excited to see how the school was and its condition. obviously, being there for the first time we were quite hyped up so i took more photos than the usual. frankly speaking, i think the condition is just as bad or worse than the cambodian kids i saw when i was thirteen. the total dejavu moment made my head wake up again to help. thank goodness the devotions i led was alright for a start. i'm glad how things went and i was pleasantly surprised to be picked to dance with the dance teacher, Mr.Gurung, for a performance on the last day of our CIP programme. the food had always been suitable and i enjoyed second day quite alot.



this was also the night i told esther how i felt in Singapore about backup friends. and thankfully, it was nothing like that. it's just a pyschological thing that i knew she didn't mean it. i just needed assurance. and talking it out really helped (:. i hope Rachel understood why i had to let it go and i'm sure Rachel would feel alot better after what Esther had shared.

third day
i noticed how my friend was getting slightly too close to my boyfriend. and i really felt guilty not knowing what to do. i'm so glad it's all over now. i wouldnt ever ever blame her. it's not her fault she didn't know that he was taken. haha. i hope things are more established now. although i'm his first, i do want to be his last. i have no intentions whatsoever to take his social circle from him. and nowadays i try not to think about how i felt about it. everytime i do, i feel this ache and slight pain within that i don't want to think about it. it's cliff-hanging and stupid because i dont really know what to do. nonetheless, i'm pretty sure because of this we became closer in one way or another. it's always an upturn way up forming a stonger relationship after a slight downfall because of any bumps along the journey together. i realized how much i loved him and how scary it was to think that i was mostly emotional whenever it came to him. up till now, he's still the only one guy in my life that i cant hold my emotions for. the rest were just come-and-go guys that i knew i didnt have much feelings for. it's quite embarrassing. without my current trust to him, i wouldn't know what else i could hold on to. lying to myself wouldn't help. insecurities were bountiful in any relationship. it was my trust and love that carried me on.

talking to junyi (aka sugar in Nepali language) and esther that night was great. we thought that we wouldn't want to waste our time together overseas so i talked to them before we slept. i'm so glad that i had them to rely on. Junyi was really understanding. it's a great heap of gratitude inside me that i feel for her ever since.



fourth day

things got worse because i didn't talk to him about how i felt. i just kept holding it on, not knowing what to do. yes, it's quite stupid how third day and fourth day might just be related to what happened between the both of us. (and someone else), but it's partly my fault because i definitely couldn't concentrate or even eat properly just thinking about it. During his devotions, he could tell that i was partly not myself. the day went on slightly draggier. and i'm pretty sure this was the day i cried.although i wanted to talk to him, we didn't had the opportunity to do so.

i guess this is why i decided to write to him during Nepali Language class. i know i felt better after i did. i'm cheery that he seemed slightly happier after he read what i wrote. and everything i meant, every love note i've written, was not to a waste.



love isnt just about feelings, and i know i have it towards you.

i dont like to prioritise my boyfriend over my friends. i think they're equally important in different ways. how he's the most important guy and partner i would always need, and how i would always need friends by my side. i was conciously aware that i shouldn't think so much about him. i wanted to make sure that my conversations were not only about him, but i was grateful to esther and junyi who understood the problem. that night, esther tried to helped me by bringing me to the area outside the dorm to talk to him. but we realized that it was late, and that they were going to close to door to the main building where the girls were staying so we just head back. i didn't know how it went, and i didn't know what to do. all i knew was that i had this ache and pain inside me and i just had to let it out.

so, being the emotional keren that only knows how to take care of others and be nice to everyone else around her but herself, just cried. esther was beside me when i did. her presence helped. i didn't feel so lonely. i knew i had her by my side. she told me to let it all out. and i think i did. at least i tried.

oxymoronically as if well planned, it was the night that arina found out we were together, and probably the night when she found out that i wasnt comfortable with her being too close to him. and i mean it when i say too close, because even he felt it. i really don't want to pinpoin fingers whatsoever, and i dont want to hold grudges, i'd like to see problems as just mere challenges. although it was painful during the actual situation, i'm glad that all 3 of us are still friends. they can be good friends, and i have no objections against that. it's just about limits. and i'm glad she's understanding enough to know hers now. i really hoped this lesson would help. being his first, i hope he'll know where to draw the line for other people. it's not his fault because he didn't exactly know what to do, but it's partly my fault that i didnt' want to talk much and just hold everything inside, killing myself on my own.

i'd also like to frankly say that it's not just because of her. but because i've already had pain the previous night. i didn't like how he would casually compare girls.it's not his fault that his clique talks about it as if it's a laughing matter or just a casual remark. but i'm not used to having a guy who compares me indirectly. if i'm wrong to say this i'm sorry, but thats how i felt. i was too used to having guys flock over me when i didn't put in a single effort to entertain them.



after i cried, we had an all-girls night talk though. it was awesome. haha. and really funny. we were just there, loafing at the sofa or on the bed, talking to each other about so many nice warm fuzzy things. i knew it would help me clear my thoughts after i cried, and thats one of the reason why i decided to join in instead of sleeping. the girls were really funny and i know i got alot closer to them after that. i'm really glad i've met all these people during Nepal trip. Junyi, Germaine, Cherlene Kumar, Vanessa, YaYun, Nikita, Esther, Miranda. it's truly a night to remember. if opportunity had given me another one, i definitely would want to talk to you guys again like we did. :)

the warm and fuzziness, the laughter and the drama and closeness felt in the conversation made my day, and helped me through the night to make myself smile for the next day. i knew i didn't want to have any regrets from the trip, and that i would never allow anything to spoil it. and i'm super glad that this compensated my tears, making my laugh with a genuine feeling of happiness once again. i knew this helped and i wanted to be happy the next day again. once i've let out the tears, i knew i had to let it all go and look forward to a new bright happy day ahead.



(i know my mom wouldn't like it if i post too much of my feelings here. but if she does read it, i wanna say thanks for being so understanding. thanks for being considerate. and thanks for helping me solve the problem indirectly, because i knew i wouldn't know what to do unless you really did back off yourself. i'm so sorry that i'm not perfect and that i'm not the mean kind. i'm the type who shrugs in her own problems and wouldn't like it to tell people off. i'm definitely not the kind who can say her feelings out. the type who just cries over it and wait until things go away slowly, trying to still remain happy and bubbly).



the campfire inside was quite okay. just too much dust, and too little songs. too much problems, and too little time. too much momo (Nepali dumplings) and too little space in my already fat stomach (:.

fifth day





we gave out notebooks and pens to the kids. we tried our best to have NO REGRETS over whatsoever. the dance was not perfect, but i gave in my best shot and i have no regrets. the volleyball match was pure fun and leisure so i'm proud of us even tough we didnt win, and last but not least, i pray that the songs i sang with the devotions team to the Nepali students would eventually one day benefit them. so that they'll know more about God and go back to their Father in Heaven. i pray that the 2 songs we sang (Our God is an Awesome God, King of Majesty) did do them good. that the message would be delivered somehow, maybe not now, but in their life time. that maybe one day they would stumble into the same song, remember us, and be encouraged to be Christians.



i hoped we 'evangelized' one way or another by touching their hearts because i knew i sang genuinely. i felt God's presence around me and i wanted to give them as much as i could.



sixth day
the last day of devotions were exceptional. this was because we had it in the out.i personally think Aaron J did a good job. i was quite surprised that i was the first to be picked to talk about what i thought about charity. (haha). thankgoodness my normal mind came up with something sensible on the spot. if i didnt i would've came up with crap and talk rubbish haha. the day was still gloomy, until he took initiative to ask sebby (sebastian--my beloved SON; HAHA) to switch seats with me in the bus ride down from Nargarkot to Kathmandu. i just needed to be by his side to feel better. it's amazing how just having him beside me already make me feel awhole lot better. and i mean it when i say this.


no one is comparible to him for me and i myself know it.

shopping was awesome. and i want to make it really brief now. not because it didnt thought much (maybe i did because i was busy running around getting nice good bargains and cheap stuffs to bring back), but because i think this didnt have as much significance that i'd like to contemplative about. i do plan to read this post years after it has passed, so i think shopping was great. we ate the horrible hotel food which gives us bad stomach (until now), but shopping was great. the last 5 minutes before time out, tong hann, esther and i ran back to get esther a skirt. haha. i was really glad that i bought lots of tea and paper stuffs. i'm soooo the scrapbook kind and the drink-quality tea kind. so it's really me to shop there. (: i got myself a deuter bag along with Jun Yi (hers is blue, mine's red), and i'm glad with the accessories that i got. (thanks tonghann for paying for some of my stuffs HAHAHA. i'm super sorry i didnt bother changing extra 10 bucks to pay whatever you did hahaha.) esther is super funny because she went to another group just to finish her task. (hahahaha). Junyi and i are total retarded crazy girls who knows how to shop and have fun <3 hahaha. love all of them (:.



when we got back we met some ChungCheng High school people. whatever the case, i dont think they've made much impact to myself. (other than the fact that i'm 101% grateful that i'm in fairfield because i'm alot happier and livelier here because we've got the Fairsian GAY HAPPY SPIRIT. haha. i was quite worried over what happened to my dear roomies esther and junyi, and i'm glad things are a-okay now. :D) 

after shopping, we sat down to get our certificates and bookmarks and map of Nepal. we clapped for each other's accomplishment of finishing CIP in Nepal for Service Learning. we were being retarded at the back as usual. Kumar, JunYi, Esther and i were clapping with our hands up like monkeys and occasionally i would shout random stuffs of the people who went up just to spice the mood up haha. the only thing i liked the most of that one hour was "i like you more la okay. i like your boobs more, i like your vagina more and i like your skin colour more. happy?". haha. i think no one would know how to express their feelings in a more obscene way. but i knew it helped. haha. in the back of my mind, i knew that he loved me just as i loved him. and although its just a tiny winy 1 minute assurance i know i can still laugh about it whenever i want to think of it. it's just those little moments when you can laugh and giggle spontaneously thinking of what happened. haha.i dont say it face to face--but i love you too.

seventh day
travelling back! woohoo. cephas tonghann and i were making retarded videos about FRANK (again) as a tranny on the flight from Nepal to Bangkok. too bad i was vomitting like some mad cow (this means at least 8 times) from Bangkok back to Singapore but i still enjoyed everything. too bad i didn't exactly meet his parents face to face. it was quite scary but i felt quite bad not saying anything. haha. i also found out that i should note to myself to: treat his mom nicely. (hahaha. this is super funny. i know i would one day love them like my parents lah. hahaha. it sounds so stupid and embarrassing. but it's not for diamonds or whatsoever, and i'm sooooo glad that i fell in love with a guy who has nice parents (although his dad might be abit too high sometimes). i know that i've been blessed by God to have met someone planned perfectly for me. things are just so perfectly complimentary. even to the slightest things like how i would really automatically always have tissue paper for him. and many many many other things that i know i should be thankful for.)


towards the end of the journey.
i loved Nepal trip because i know God involved Himself in it. the devotions were great, and i still believe that the closer you are with Him, the more you feel His presence, the more perfect everything would be. i prayed before the trip that i was happy and i surrendered things to Him. that i hoped the devotions i prepared would compensate the nights i didnt have time to have quiet time. i'm really glad that the relationship with God just got better and better. i know i would always want to centralize Him in my life--in everytihng that i do.



everything felt as though it happened so quickly. i feel as though i have to grasp every moment i can and stuff it into my head. to remember that certain moment. to not let go of the memories that i was making. making history that i know i would not want to regret. history and past that i want to look back and smile with. i dont know if it's just maturity, but i know this was the greatest trip ever. typing this all out just prooves how much i bother to give up just to remember everything that has happened. every single part of the great irreplaceable trip